Back in May, my daughter and I spent a few days together while she attended her college orientation and registration. I’ll tell you, nothing makes this thing more real than seeing her name on a student ID card. Except maybe signing up for automatic monthly tuition payments.
As we drove around her soon-to-be new town, we were laughing about something ridiculous and having the best time. I started to imagine her there, driving around on those streets and living a life I wouldn’t have any part of. Then out of nowhere, she got quiet. Turning to me with tears brimming, she said what I’d been thinking all weekend but hadn’t dared to verbalize.
“I’m gonna miss you.”
The words instantly gripped me by the throat. I could barely breathe.
As I’ve done so many times before, I buried my own emotions to avoid a colossal meltdown. (Why I do this, I have no idea.) Instead I bravely smiled and said, “Oh honey, I’m going to miss you too!” in my most cheerful, it’s-all-fine attitude while pulling her into a hug.
Inside, I was screaming, “Don’t ever leave me!” My heart was exploding in a million pieces while I silently contemplated the logistics of starting Homeschool University.
I know this is what’s supposed to happen. It’s what’s natural and normal and it’s the exact thing we’ve been working toward. It’s simple math, really.
Having kids + raising those kids = parenting young adults. You raise them, they leave home and start new lives of their own. That’s the deal. That’s just how it works.
But it’s definitely going to take my heart quite a while to catch up with my mind.
And honestly? I’m kind of in a fight with my mind at the moment. As the college drop off countdown is mere weeks away, I’ve started second guessing everything. I truly thought I was ready, but I’m beginning to consider that maybe that’s not the case.
My mind races with irrational thoughts. I suddenly have this paralyzing fear that I’ve forgotten everything I always wanted to remember over the years. Sure I remember the big moments. I remember the recitals, the ear-piercings, and the Christmas mornings. But do I remember the little things? The daily interactions? What did she like to eat for breakfast when she was four?
Wait…do I even remember when she was four?
Or nine?
Or thirteen?
Eighteen years flew by, and all along the way I tried to be so intentional. But here I am… contemplating whether or not I actually remember any of it.
I can’t explain the logic behind this because there isn’t any. Being in a highly emotional state leads to some thought processes that simply can’t be explained. Some days I’m afraid I’m just not going to be ok.
When I feel buried by my own thoughts, I resort to tried-and-true and not at all unhealthy coping mechanisms: I busy myself making Pinterest boards of dorm room ideas. I google all sorts of top-10 lists for getting ready for college. I scroll on my phone and I even run errands just to avoid having to interact with my mind some days.
But then there are days like today. When God’s grace and peace fill my mind, reminding me to remember what’s good and true.
We’re gonna be ok.
I remember when each of my girls started kindergarten. I couldn’t process the depth of change I felt in my soul, knowing that the first phases of their early childhood years were over and things would never be the same. Never.
This might be a good time to let you know that I don’t naturally do well with change (though I’m sure that’s painfully obvious). I genuinely couldn’t fathom how I would handle the change in our family dynamic. But in time, we settled into our new season. We figured it out. We adjusted.
As weeks went on, I recalled with fondness how life used to be, but also looked at my girls who could suddenly read and were making new friends all on their own for the first time. It was exciting. It filled me with so much joy to see the ways they were growing. It was a reminder that new seasons are good. They’re important. They’re necessary.
And as I find myself standing in the gap between two wildly different seasons of life once again, I realize that even though I may not feel it now, the change in our family dynamic will soon become…dare I say…good.
We’re gonna be ok.
Through every new phase and season in our kids’ lives, there is some adjustment required. And God prepares us and equips us in His perfect timing. Not before it’s time, and not before we’re ready. But at the exact right time.
I also want to remember that just because she’s moving away doesn’t mean my job is done. It just means my job is different. My new role involves being her biggest supporter, most enthusiastic cheerleader, and most willing advice-giver. My role is no longer laundry monitor, curfew enforcer, or discipline strategizer.
But if I’m being honest with you, those weren’t my favorite roles anyway. I’m looking much more forward to my new job description.
We have a very real enemy, who is crafty and knows how to hit us where it hurts and would love nothing more than to plant seeds of doubt, especially when we’re at our most vulnerable.
But God reminds me that I’ve been here before. He reminds me that He has walked beside me in every season and phase of life, and He’ll do it again. He reminds me that He also walks beside my children, and His love for them exceeds anything I can imagine.
Ephesians 6:10-reminds us that God has equipped us with every weapon to fight against those arrows of doubt and fear. So when fear starts to convince me that this new season is more than I can handle, I remember what’s true.
Remind me to remember…we’re gonna be ok.