It’s a regular Monday morning, but the realization sits heavy. A week from tomorrow, my baby will start her junior year of high school. On top of that, my oldest will start her freshman year of college just days later.
New beginnings and fresh starts are a nice idea, but for me, they always come with a heavy load of expectations. I reflect on just how quickly time passes, and that leads to a whole thought cycle about whether or not I’ve done everything just right because before I know it the time they spend under my roof will only be for long school breaks or holidays.
I swear, it was just yesterday my girls were playing with dolls, wearing princess dresses out in public, and growing out of their shoes within two weeks of buying them.
The sparkly light-up ones with the velcro straps.
Whew. I’m gonna need a minute.
The start of a new school year sends waves of nostalgia through my heart and I get real deep in my feelings. And I’m going to be vulnerable with you: it creates the perfect opportunity for me to set up some pretty unrealistic expectations.
I was thinking back to just last year, and remembered that the night before school started (planning ahead is not my gift) I asked the girls what they wanted for breakfast the next morning. I remember quietly berating myself for not considering the fact that it was my oldest’s first day of SENIOR year. What kind of mother was I that I hadn’t made big plans to create a fruit tray and yogurt bar alongside a warm breakfast casserole and freshly squeezed orange juice?!
I have a long standing struggle with putting ridiculous expectations on myself and my circumstances. Sometimes I just shrug and think “oh, well” but other times I literally break down in tears because of it. I never said I wasn’t complicated.
Imagine my surprise (and secret delight) when the girls suggested we just have “cinnamon rolls” for breakfast.
You need to know that in our house, it’s just common knowledge that cinnamon rolls are birthed from a can.
But it was the first day of school! I couldn’t just throw some random cinnamon rolls on a pan, could I?! Of course not.
I bought the Pillsbury brand.
Even with this current insane inflation, it was worth every bit of the $3.79 to be able to communicate “I love you and I’m insanely proud of you and I can’t even believe you’re starting your last first-day-of-school” with name brand pastries.
I remember that morning went off without a hitch. Everyone was ready in time. Everyone had their backpacks ready to go and lunches made. Everyone knew where their left AND right shoe was and no one misplaced their car keys under their bedsheets. (Not that that’s happened before).
I didn’t even feel rushed as I gleefully took the obligatory first day of school pictures. There was a gentle breeze and the sun was shining. Man, it was gonna be a great year. That optimism filled my soul and I couldn’t wait to see it all unfold.
I think we all know what happened next. It happens every single year, yet I continue to be surprised by it. That fresh new-start optimism quickly became a distant memory. Life stepped in. The stress of grades and college decisions and sports and relationship dynamics crushed my big ideas for a “perfect year with incredible opportunities” into a fine powder.
We quickly fell into a routine of homework, part-time jobs, difficult teachers, and growing pains that come with being a teenager just trying to figure out life. I had long forgotten that first-day optimism, and at times it seemed we were just simply trying to survive each day with minimal drama.
The reality is, life happens. As much as I love to plan for ideal circumstances, it would be wise to hold expectations loosely.
A lot of what I write on this blog is really just a message I need to hear for myself. I often “preach to my own heart” because it’s what I know I need to hear. And I wonder if someone else needs to hear it, too.
So I write it down for both of us.
I hope this is an encouragement to you, whatever road you are walking or whatever struggle lies just ahead.
As for me, I don’t know how the first day of school is going to go this year. I don’t know how the first MONTH is going to go. Will the new friendships I’ve prayed for come to fruition? Will their new teachers and professors provide inspiration and fill them with a lifelong desire to learn? Will they adjust to new levels of independence but still keep me in the loop? I honestly don’t know. And I’m learning to be ok with that.
I think sometimes the expectations we set can lead us to believe we have failed in some way if they don’t play out. When life’s circumstances turn out to be wildly different from what we imagined (I’m looking at you, 2020), it can be defeating.
And there’s certainly nothing wrong with setting out with the best of intentions and some optimism. But I’m discovering that growth comes from accepting our circumstances for what they are, and being open to the opportunity to allow God to use those unplanned circumstances to shape you.
I’ve had a lifelong struggle with “idealism” (that’s a fun word I get to play around with a lot in counseling.) It’s something I will likely always be working on in some capacity. And I’ve learned that sometimes, the ideal image we create in our human minds of how things “should” go is actually just a tiny spark compared to the incredible fireworks show God has in store. Let’s face it: His ways are just better.
So today, I hold expectations loosely. I wait expectantly. I’m waiting for God to not necessarily work things out exactly the way I want or hope for, but trust that it will be exactly the way I need.